Lately I’ve noticed that I am once again feeling.
Not saying that I’ve been numb, I guess, just “faux-numb”? If there is such a word..
I find myself being clingy again. Desperately. On the brink of being pitifully dependent.
I find myself actually being jealous, some real new shit for an airhead like me.
I find myself afraid, of losing. I find myself threatened. I find myself no longer in control of everything.
These negative feelings came along with shitload of positive ones, and I believe, they’d only go, if the positive ones do so as well
Though I sense that this might possibly be a weaker, more fragile version of me, it’s quite refreshing to actually feel like a human again.All vulnerable and what…
I feel more, acquainted with myself.
Every now and then Once every 4-6 months you (or maybe just me), anticipate a specific day for some reason. You don’t really care what happens during the days that surround it because you rely on that single day to basically make up for a possibly suckish week. You might disregard other possible things to do, simply because you’re so caught up in anticipation for THATday.
Well what happens when plans don’t push through?… Well.. I guess THIS (whatever THIS is) happens.
You’re left waking up to the truth that nothing will become of that day. You stare at the time, hoping for a miracle. You wait for a friend to ask you out but you admit to yourself that you wouldn’t really be in the mood for anything as well. You want to enjoy. You don’t want to enjoy. You formulate all the could’ve-beens of that day and look at the time once more only to realize that an hour hasn’t even passed yet.
THIS, whatever this is, again, simply leaves you dumbfounded. You hope for something to just give you a hint of happiness for that day, but nope, everything is just 10 times more annoying. Everything seems to either just bring you down, or…. nope, that’s pretty much it.
I guess, what I could learn from this (or I guess be reminded of) is to never really expect anything. Heck, it may actually be best to expect the worst out of every day, so as to assure you that it can’t be anymore bad than you would expect it to be.
SHIT HAPPENS. Yup, that sums it up. Things don’t work. Plans get ruined. And you could either suck it up and get on with your day, or, like what I did, mope about it for a wee more than 24 hours. I guess I could say I just haven’t found a reason yet to feel better. Or maybe, the day that was supposedly going to be great still has 3 more hours to go and I’m hoping for some kind of miracle or whatever… Then after that, MAYBE I could move on.
I guess this is why I was no longer a fan of plans and what not.